Oh QU. I've made a conscious effort to turn the sights of this column away from our beloved home away from home.
Beyond the guarded gates of Quinnipiac is a big scary world full of all kinds of ridiculous things worthy of scorn and ridicule that I usually write about, but then the call came.
On Wednesday Sept. 9, reports came from the Student Government Association that Dattco, the shuttle company that services Quinnipiac University, was threatening to suspend their QU to New Haven service due to a rash of citations issued to Quinnipiac students by the New Haven police for public urination. And when I say rash I mean 38, and when I say 38 I mean "Holy *@!%$ are you maniacs *@!*% serious?"
Not only have 38 citations been issued, but they've been issued over the past two months. That's 60 days. That means that on two thirds of all days since the beginning of September some Quinnipiac student was literally being caught with their pants down by the New Haven police. And trust me my friends, they most certainly had their pants down, or at the very least their skirts up, because 32 out of the 38 citations were issued to female students. 32! I don't even have a joke for that.
The kicker is that it's the most citations of any school in the New Haven area. ANY SCHOOL!
Sure, you'd expect us to beat Yale. Those blue bloods don't know how to finds their genitals with electron microscopes, and I'm sure they've got more than a few lying around.
I mean we're Quinnipiac we know how to have a good time, but the most citations in the New Haven area means we beat University of New Haven and Southern Connecticut State University.
We beat Southern Connecticut State University for most citations for public urination. Those Owls never even put their pieces away. They use their sensitive areas to take notes in class and signal one another when there's a person who scored above a 1000 on their SAT's in the area so they know who to mug. Yet, even they know when it might be a good idea to hold off until they find a bathroom.
Ladies, please, I implore you: the women of Quinnipiac already have a reputation for being less than fickle when it comes to choosing romantic liaisons and if you don't believe me, why don't you come downtown with me sometime and I'll introduce you to the locals. Do QU's ladies really need a reputation for being less than discerning when it comes to relieving themselves as well?
Let's stop a second and think about this practically. Why does QU need the shuttle? Because going downtown and doing things you regret is a time honored QU freshman tradition, and a much beloved pastime of upper classmen, as well.
Without the shuttle QU girls will have nowhere to show off that cute little skirt they bought over the summer that they couldn't wear until they got back to school because they had no desire to see their fathers cry.
Guys will have no where to look but at girls wearing said skirts and imagine what that girl might look like sans skirt. And security and the administration will now have to deal with a campus full of hormonal students who have nowhere to dance out their near critical mass levels of sexual frustrations. My friends this is a nightmare scenario that can only end in bloodshed, I assure you.
The solution is simple: Hold it. It's so easy. Just wait until you get back to campus. Go for a walk, and find a Dunkin' Donuts. Or just go back into the club and wait in line like a decent human being. If you ever stop for a moment and think that you are too good to stand in line for five minutes and save the shuttle drive from the ungodly stench of untold gallons of urine, just remember that if the shuttles shut down the only place you'll have to indulge your passion for public urination is right outside your window.