The Ridiculous Weekly-Wrap Up

 In Lewis Black’s 2006 comedy CD “The Carnegie Hall Performance” there is a track that is appropriately titled “Rick Santorum: Idiot.” It is amazing to think that in six years so little has changed.

Rick Santorum is still an idiot, but it’s worse now. It’s far worse. Because now he is a viable candidate for the highest office in the land and he’s finding support all across the country. Which makes me think that not only is Rick Santorum an idiot, but he simply shouldn’t exist.

This is not me calling for the assassination of a political candidate, far from it. I am of course a non-violent man, and I recognize every living person’s right to exist, I’m just saying that in the case of Rick Santorum’s existence, he simply shouldn’t.

Our country is the only one that could have produced a man like Rick Santorum and it’s a poor reflection on us. It’s not because of his religious fanaticism, lots of countries have fanatics. It’s because of his special schizophrenic brand of religious fanaticism.

Rick Santorum is constantly talking about our need to preserve freedom in this country, and then talking about all the immoral things that should be banned. He talks about the need for the free markets to be unshackled from big government and then tells us that the president isn’t doing enough to battle pornography, maybe one of the most profitable items on the free market, and in a perverse ironic kind of way, the very epitome of the freedom Rick Santorum claims to want to protect. The problem with Rick Santorum is that he genuinely believes that America should be a theocracy, whether consciously, or unconsciously, and then tries to explain to us how this is the freedom the founders intended.

Apparently, in Rick Santorum’s mind the founders fought a war, and created a Constitution so that we could all live by Rick Santorum’s specific ideas of morality.

In Iran and other Islamic countries that live under the weight of Sharia law, they have the intellectual integrity to not confuse their way of life with freedom. They view it quite differently, in fact. They see it as a glorious submission to the will of God, and they view freedom as dangerous. If Rick Santorum had this kind of honesty maybe he wouldn’t be so horrifying. No, actually, he’d be just as horrifying, but at least he wouldn’t be equally as irritating, to boot.

The biggest problem with Santorum is that he’s obsessed with sex: not his own sex, like any good pervert, but your sex, like a terrifying religious zealot. He wants to tell you when you can have sex, after marriage, who you can have sex with, your spouse and no one else, what people can have sex, heterosexuals, and that’s it, and what you can do if the sex has unintended consequences, no abortions, not ever!

But he doesn’t want you to take any precautions to prevent those consequences either, Oh yeah, no birth control. Even if you need it to save your life and not for contraception, which does occasionally happen. Actually he’s so obsessed with sex, it makes you wonder if he’s ever actually enjoyed it, because his litter of children and eternally frustrated looking wife definitely prove that he’s had, what I assume was, a very unsatisfying versions of it.

Rick Santorum will almost certainly never be president. Most likely he won’t even be the Republican nominee, but he will continue to exist and so will all of his supporters, and that should scare the heckout of everybody.